Name : Kevin O’Ryan

Location : Belgium

Date : 15/03/2003

Willis Falls

INT - BEAUTY SALON - DAY

FLO

You’re going to look ravenous with this knew cut, Angela. This Catherine Deneuve hairstyle is just perfect for you. Believe me, Frank will find you irresistible tonight.

ANGELA

(loud enough for all

the women to hear)

Oh, that’s all I need, Flo, another excuse for him to want to play. He can’t keep his hands off me now as it is.

 

INT - MOTHER’S CAR - DAY

Angela and Betty in car.

BETTY

That hairdo looks stunning, Ang.

ANGELA

Really, Mom? You think he’ll like it?

BETTY

Oh, he’ll love it. I’m sure of it.

ANGELA

I hope so. I really do. Oh, by the way, Mom, could we stop at the liquor store before you drop me off. I wanna get a bottle of Beaujolais for dinner.

BETTY

What are you making, Hon?

ANGELA

One of Frank’s favorites -- blueberry crepes.

BETTY

Whoa boy! Frank is going to think he’s in Paris tonight. French wine, a French dinner, and a pretty wife with a stylish new French cut. He’ll be in heaven.

ANGELA

I hope so.

INT - FRANK’S OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - DAY

JIM

Frank, do you want to come over to my place after work and see that new Luger pistol I picked up.

FRANK

No can do, Jim. Angela will be at home with a new hairdo and dinner ready. I have to be there to make a big to-do about the new coif. What about tomorrow?

JIM

The in-laws will be over tomorrow, so we can’t meet at the house.

FRANK

Look, tomorrow afternoon I’m taking the car to Fred’s to be fixed. Maybe we could meet at the diner while Fred is working on the car.

JIM

Tell you what. I have to get my hair cut. How about if we meet at Tony’s? Say around 2:00.

FRANK

Two o’clock it is.

FRANK

Bye, Darlene. See you Monday.

DARLENE

Have a good weekend, Mr. Lloyd.

 

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - EVENING

FRANK

(coming in back door)

Hi, Ang. I’m home.

ANGELA

(enters room wearing a black

dress, heals and pearls)

Hi, Honey.

Angela goes over and gives him a kiss.

FRANK

Whoa, what is this? What is this vision of loveliness that has come to greet me? What a beautiful hairdo. No, no,... not beautiful, ...enchanting.

ANGELA

Do you mean that? Do you really like it? I hope you like it, I did it just for you.

FRANK

How could I not like it. It is so, ...so, ..so European,... so,..

FRANK (CONTINUED)

so, sophisticated. How did you ever think of it? Or was it Flo?

ANGELA

No, I found it. It is exactly like the hairstyle Catherine Deneuve is wearing, in Paris, right now. The latest issue of Vogue came yesterday and I saw her in it.

FRANK

Only you know something?

ANGELA

What?

FRANK

She doesn’t look half as beautiful in this hairstyle as you do. I’m sure of it.

ANGELA

Oh, Frank. You’re such a liar. You just say those things. You don’t mean it, I know you don’t.

FRANK

Oh, yes I do, Dumpling. You look absolutely stunning in this hairdo. Believe me, every other man in Willis Falls would give his left nut to be in my shoes.

ANGELA

Oh, Frank. You’re so crude, you devil.

They kiss again.

FRANK

Mmmm. That delightful smell? Dinner ready?

ANGELA

It will be in five minutes. Your favorite - blueberry crepes.

FRANK

Terrific. Aunt Jamima’s crepes?

ANGELA

You bet. Only I couldn’t get frozen blueberries for them. I had to get fresh berries. That OK?

FRANK

I’ll be so captivated by your new hairstyle that I’ll barely notice if they are blueberries or strawberries, fresh or frozen.

ANGELA

Oh, you flatterer. Well, hurry up and change your clothes.

 

INT - BEDROOM - EVENING

INT - LLOYD KITCHEN - EVENING

FRANK

Ahhh, I see we’ve got some vino to go with dinner. French vino, I dare say?

ANGELA

Of course. Would I give you anything else?

FRANK

(opening wine bottle)

Do you want ice, Honey?

ANGELA

Naw. The bottle was in the freezer for 30 or 40 minutes, so it should be cold by now.

Frank pours the wine as Angela sits down. For wine glasses, they use grape jelly glasses covered with cartoon figures.

FRANK

Let me propose a toast.

Angela, with a coy smile, holds up her glass.

FRANK

A toast to the woman, the wife, who belongs to the luckiest man alive.

ANGELA

(eating up the flattery)

Oh, Frank, you’re such a phoney.

They start to eat, not talking for awhile.

ANGELA

Honey, you were a little late tonight. I was getting worried.

FRANK

The darn car again. Took me fifteen minutes to get the damn thing started at the Food Mart.

ANGELA

Damn. I hope Fred gets the new parts soon.

FRANK

Oh, he called me today. Says he has the parts, but he can’t put them in until the end of next week.

ANGELA

My god. I swear it is more difficult to get an appointment with Fred than with the plumber.

FRANK

Yep. But he’s got us over a barrel. Fred’s is the only auto repair shop for miles that is willing to work on a Peugeot.

ANGELA

Well, that’s the price we pay for sophistication. It’s our one luxury. Well,... the car and the fortune you spend on guns are our luxuries.

FRANK

But don’t forget, Ang, the guns increase in value as time goes on. The Peugeot, on the other hand, is worth less and less each year.

ANGELA

(at the point of tears)

You know the Peugeot is important to me, Frank. Why do you always want to complain about it?

FRANK

No, no, Hon. I wasn’t complaining. I wasn’t complaining, Sweety. I like the Peugeot. It’s just that, you know, you were saying how hard it is to get time with Fred. I was just pointing out that Fred has us over a barrel ‘cause no one else will repair the car, that’s all.

ANGELA

Oh. Well, like I said, that is the price we pay for sophistication. You may not know it, but half the people in this town are green with envy ‘cause we own a Peugeot.

FRANK

But wouldn’t they be just as jealous if we owned a Renault? Fred says it is easier to get Renault parts.

ANGELA

I’ve told you before, the Renault is the car for the French common people. You know that. Belmondo, Genieve Bujeauld, Gerard Depardieu, the President of France -- they all own Peugeots, not Renaults.

FRANK

Yeah, but all those people own lots of cars. It doesn’t matter to them if the car breaks down ‘cause they just take one of their other cars.

ANGELA

Exactly. ‘Cause they are those kind of people. Do you want some more crepes, Dear?

FRANK

Sure, but just a few.

ANGELA

(while sitting down)

What did you pick up at Food Mart?

FRANK

Oh, bad news. I stopped to pick up some of that French bottled water you like. They’re still out. The manager said the company may stop distributing to this area.

ANGELA

Oh no. What will we do?

FRANK

Well, I told Billy that if he gets any more of the stuff he should let me know. If he doesn’t, we’ll just have to buy U.S. bottled water.

ANGELA

Hell, may as well drink tap water.

FRANK

Fine with me.

ANGELA

You know, Frank, you know, you may think this sounds crazy. I know you’ll think this sounds crazy, but I’ll say it anyway. I’ll bet, I’ll just bet, that if we lived in Paris we’d fit right in with those people.

FRANK

What people?

ANGELA

You know, Catherine, Jean Paul, Genevieve, Gerard. I’ll bet if they got to know us they’d have us over all the time, and they’d stop by our place for coffee or a cocktail. I know you think that

ANGELA (CONTINUED) sounds crazy, but I’m sure we’d fit right in.

FRANK

And what will we talk about, you know, with the elite of Paris?

ANGELA

I don’t know,... everything: politics, what is going on in the world. We could give them the American perspective on world events. They’d like that since America controls world events. And I took that correspondence fashion course, don’t forget. I could talk fashion with the women. And you could talk about guns.

FRANK

Oh, speaking of guns, I’m taking the car to the shop tomorrow.

ANGELA

Whaddaya mean “Speaking of guns”?

FRANK

Ah,...it’s just a figure of speech.

ANGELA

But I thought you said Fred can’t fix the car until next week.

FRANK

Yeah, but we can’t wait. I’m going into that shop tomorrow and just order Fred to fix it. We’ve been loyal customers for at least five years and dozens of repairs. And if ordering doesn’t work, I’ll beg.

ANGELA

Well, I think you should be firm with Fred...You know, I hate to admit it, but Fred Williams has turned out to be one of the most successful people in my class.

FRANK

I didn’t know you were classmates.

ANGELA

Well, we were for nine years, then Fred had to stay back. Twice. I doubt he even remembers me, though.

FRANK

Well, for a guy who stayed back, he is certainly doing well. He has the Cadillac, the Ford wagon, and that big camper, too. And he and his brother, the cop, own that place on the lake. And you know what, Ang? People like you and me are paying for all that. He over charges all of us, but what can we do?

ANGELA

What can we do? Well, why don’t you go in and watch television and I’ll clean up.

 

INT - LLOYD’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

ANGELA

Frank, don’t you find me attractive anymore?

FRANK

Honey, of course I do. Of course I do.

ANGELA

No, really. You can be honest with me. Is it ‘cause I’m overweight? Is it ‘cause, you know, because I’m a little fat?

FRANK

Honey, Honey, you’re not fat. Come on. Don’t talk that way. You’re just a big girl. That’s all. And you’re still as attractive as the day I first met you.

 

ANGELA

Then why don’t you want sex like you used to?

FRANK

Honey, Sweety, it’s the end of the week, and I’m pooped. Besides, I’m just plain getting old. You know, it’s just life,..mother nature. A man gets older and his sex drive slows down.

 

ANGELA

Well, it’s not happening to me. I’m still young and, you know, Frank, a woman needs sex. It is perfectly normal. Doctor Riffson told me so.

FRANK

I know, Ang. You’ve told me that dozens of times.

ANGELA

Then why don’t you do something about it?

FRANK

Honey, you can’t force these things. The right moment will come, you’ll see. I want it to be mutual, Honey, ...romantic, ...not just, “Frank, I’m ready, do it now.”

ANGELA

(long pause)

You know, Frank, lots of men want to have sex with me. Practically every time I go to the mall I get propositioned by someone. Even at the gas station, the guy at the cash register almost always makes his suggestive comments.

FRANK

And don’t forget the boys at the recycling center.

ANGELA

Right, and those boys at the recycling center are always

ANGELA (CONTINUED) whistling at me and making their comments. But you know, I’m always faithful ‘cause I only love you. No one else. But I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this.

FRANK

Me either.

Angela leaves the room [FADE OUT] [FADE IN] Angela returns with big bowl of ice cream. Frank pretends to be asleep.

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - DAY

ANGELA

Why are you wearing your blue Ralph Lauren designer briefs today?

FRANK

What?

ANGELA

Why are you wearing your blue underpants and not your white ones like you usually do?

FRANK

I don’t know. They must have been the first pair I saw. I don’t think about these things, Angela.

She puts the basket in the bathroom, and returns to kitchen.

ANGELA

Where’re you going after you take the car to Fred’s?

FRANK

It will probably take Fred a few hours to fix the car, so I’ll walk over to the office and do some work. I should be home by five.

 

ANGELA

You don’t have to lie to me. You’re not fooling me. I know you’re going to the office to meet one of your women there. I know you’ll be having sex there like you always do.

FRANK

Ang, Ang, how many times do we have to go over this? How many times do I have to tell you that there are no other women? You are the only woman in my life. And besides, there is a strict company policy against having sex in the office over the weekend. I’ve told you that at least a dozen times.

ANGELA

Well, why is it that today, of all days, you chose to wear your blue Ralph Lauren designer briefs?

(long pause - Frank looks at the ceiling, shaking his head)

FRANK

(exasperated)

Look Ang, the problem is that we’ve got to get the car fixed. The only person within fifty miles who can fix a Peugeot, the only person who is even willing to look at one, is that lazy bum Fred. And he’s always looking for excuses not to work.

ANGELA

So?

FRANK

Now suppose, just bear with me here, just suppose that when I take the car in today, and I ask Fred if he can fix the car today, if he

will please fix the car today, suppose Fred says, “that depends.”

ANGELA

Depends on what?

FRANK

Suppose, strange as it seems, just suppose Fred says, “What kind of briefs are you wearing today?” ... Now, you know, you know just from the question, from the mere fact that he asks the question, that “White Fruit of the Looms” is not going to do it. You know that just from the question itself. Fred is going to want to hear something vibrant, something contemporary, something exciting. He doesn’t want to think that people who drive fancy French cars are wearing just plain old white Fruit of the Looms.

ANGELA

Well, can’t you just tell him you’re wearing your bright blue Ralph Lauren briefs?

FRANK

And what if he calls my bluff, Ang? What if that happens? What if, just what if, he wants me to show him? Then where are we? If he sees that I lied to him, we’ll never be able to get the Peugeot fixed again. Don’t you realize that? Hell, we’ll probably have to sell the damn car. Do you want that, Angela? Do you want us to have to sell the Peugeot just because I didn’t have the foresight to put on my only pair of designer briefs?

ANGELA

(starting to cry)

No I don’t. I don’t wanna lose the Peugeot.

FRANK

Well, then, I’ve got to go.

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - DAY

BETTY (VO)

Dear, why are you crying?

ANGELA

It’s Frank. I just don’t know, Mom. There are times I think he loves me, but there are times I’m sure he’s seeing other women.

BETTY (VO)

Why do you think that? I find that hard to believe. The only thing Frank seems interested in, besides you, Dear, are his guns. Was it the hairdo? Didn’t Frank like it?

ANGELA

No, no. He loved the hairdo. That’s not it. But it’s Saturday and he’s spending a few hours at the office. He doesn’t like his job that much. He says so. I think he’s just seeing one of his women there.

BETTY (VO)

That’s just silly, Ang. Just plain silly. Besides, if you are so sure, why don’t you just go down there and see him?

ANGELA

I don’t know. I don’t want to feel like I’m spying on him. Besides, the only way I have to get down there is on the bicycle.

BETTY (VO)

Well, if it is really important, I’ll come over and drive you.

ANGELA

(beat)

No, Ma. Thanks, though. It’s probably my imagination. I’ll just stay here and clean.

 

INT - FIRST FLOOR BATHROOM - DAY

INT - FRANK’S OFFICE - DAY

Fantasy 1 - Frank’s office, as dumpy as it really is. Frank takes some papers over to Darlene (hair in a bun and wearing glasses) at the copy machine.

FRANK

Darlene, I want to thank you for coming in today on short notice. It’s important that these papers go out first thing Monday morning.

DARLENE

Oh, it’s no problem, Mr. Lloyd, I didn’t have any plans for today.

FRANK

You’re really a sweetheart, Darlene. If I were twenty-five years younger I’d propose.

INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

INT - FRANK’S OFFICE - DAY

Fantasy 2 - Frank’s office is now fancier - a leather couch, end tables, and brass table lamps. The fishbowl is now an aquarium with a dozen goldfish. Darlene has her hair down, no glasses, wears a white silk blouse unbuttoned and open, no bra. Darlene goes over to Frank and leans over his desk.

DARLENE

Here you are, Mr. Lloyd, three copies each. Is there anything else I can do for you?... Anything?

FRANK

I tell you what, Honey. Just go over and lie on the couch. I just FRANK (CONTINUED) have to finish this one page, and then I’ll give you some attention.

DARLENE

You promise?

FRANK

I promise.

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - DAY

INT - FRANK’S OFFICE - DAY

Fantasy 3 - A very fancy office -- dark wood paneling, a bar, recessed lighting, and a huge aquarium full of exotic tropical fish. Frank, hair slicked back, is wearing an expensive Italian suit. He walks towards the couch, a bottle of champagne in one hand, two glasses in the other. Darlene (now called Collette) is reclining on the couch in just her black bra, panties, garter belt, and stockings.

DARLENE

Oh, Frank, you’re such an amazing guy. I don’t know how to describe it, but you’ve got that, oh I don’t know what, that je ne sais quoi.

FRANK

Why thank you, Collette. Here, it’s Don Perignon, but I’m afraid it is not one of his best years.

DARLENE

Well, now and then we all have to make sacrifices, don’t we, Love.

FRANK

Yes, yes, that seems to be what life is all about - sacrifices.

DARLENE

Speaking of sacrifices, does that beached whale you live with ever suspect our little rendezvous?

 

FRANK

Doesn’t suspect a thing. Hard to believe, isn’t it?

 

INT - GARAGE - DAY

INT - FRED’S AUTO REPAIR SHOP - DAY

ANGELA

Well, did you ask him? Did you ask him or not?

FRED

Ask who, what?

ANGELA

My husband.

FRED

Lady, who’s your husband?

ANGELA

The man who brought in that Peugeot.

FRED

Oh, Frank. Ask him what?

ANGELA

About his underpants?

FRED

What?

ANGELA

Did you ask him about his underpants?

FRED

Ask him WHAT about his underpants?

 

 

ANGELA

Did you ask him what color his underpants are?

FRED

What?

ANGELA

Did you ask him the color of his underpants?

FRED

Is this a joke or something, Lady.

ANGELA

No. Just tell me. Did you ask him or not?

FRED

No, I did not enquire as to the color of your husband’s underwear, Lady. Are you all right?

ANGELA

(crying)

I knew it. I knew it. I knew he made it all up.

FRED

Made what up?

ANGELA

He said you only want to fix cars for customers with vibrant, contemporary underpants. I knew it.

Fred slowly walks backwards, away from Angela. Angela, still crying, gets back on the bicycle and pedals off.

INT - BARBER SHOP - DAY

JIM

(sees Frank in mirror)

Hi, Frank.

FRANK

Hi, Jim.

JIM

Listen, my new acquisition is in the car. I’ll show it to you as soon as I am done.

FRANK

Great.

INT - JIM’S CAR, PARKING LOT - DAY

FRANK

I can’t believe how paranoid Tony is. He carried on about how the world is a different place, school kids are blowing each other away, and he didn’t want guns in his shop

JIM

Well, I think Tony is right. Everyone is afraid that some son or nephew is going to get hold of a gun and start killing people.

FRANK

Well, I don’t have any sons or nephews to worry about.

FRANK

That’s a beauty!

FRANK

And really nice colors!

JIM

(speaking softly)

Whaddaya talkin about, “nice colors”?

FRANK

It was the first thing that came to mind when I saw Dobs coming ‘cause a gun wouldn’t have nice colors.

 

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - DAY

BETTY

What in the world is wrong? Why are you crying like this?

BOB

Yeah, Princess, what’s wrong? And why are you all wet?

ANGELA

It’s Frank.

BETTY

Oh, not this again. I thought you said you knew it was your imagination.

BOB

What about Frank?

ANGELA

He said he was going to the office while the guy fixes the car. But he’s not there. I went by the office on my bicycle. He’s not there.

 

BOB

Frank is not at the office. So what?

ANGELA

Well today, of all days, he is wearing his bright blue underpants. He has only one pair of briefs that ANGELA (CONTINUED) aren’t white, and he picks today to wear them.

BOB

(beat)

You mean, ...you mean you think he’s having an affair?

ANGELA

Yes, I’m sure of it.

BOB

(beat)

Naw… that’s crazy. I’m gonna go find Frank. He may just be at the diner or the barber shop. Did you check those places, Princess?

Angela shakes her head to indicate she hadn’t. Bob leaves.

INT - DINER - DAY

BOB

Where you been? I’ve been looking all over for you

FRANK

I’ve been running errands, and now I’m killing time here until the car is ready. Why?

BOB

I knew it was something like that. For some reason Angela got it into her head to bicycle into town and see you at the office. When you weren’t there her imagination went wild. She’s really off the wall. We have to do something.

FRANK

I don’t know, Bob. Sometimes I love her, but sometimes I want to kill

 

FRANK (CONTINUED)

her ‘cause of this crazy jealousy thing.

 

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - DAY

BOB

Well, I found him. Just as I thought, he was in the diner.

FRANK

What, were you afraid I was kidnapped or something?

ANGELA

No. I just, ...I just decided I wanted to go into town and see you, that’s all. I thought it was awfully strange that you weren’t at Fred’s or at the office.

FRANK

Well, I was in the office for a while. But then, I decided that new hairdo deserved something special to go with it, so I was out buying you a little present.

ANGELA

Oh, Honey, you didn’t have to. What’d ya get me?

FRANK

I got ya a new tent.

ANGELA

New tent?

FRANK

What tent? I got you a new dress.

 

ANGELA

You said tent.

FRANK

No I didn’t.

ANGELA

Yes you did.

BETTY

Yes you did, Frank.

FRANK

Oh,...well, ...if I did it was a mistake. I must have said it because I… was feeling… so… tentative about it. You know how I’m always afraid you won’t like the presents I buy you.

ANGELA

You silly. You know very well that I appreciate every little thing you get me.

 

INT - WILLIAMS’ BEDROOM - DAY

FRED

I don’t know why the only time we have sex is on Sunday morning. Why can’t we have sex at night, like other people?

DOROTHY

You mean, like you give me a quick pump during the commercials of the Jay Leno Show. No thanks. Sex with me is an event. You ought to know that by now, Fred.

 

FRED

You’re right, I should. Now, how do I get into this? I didn’t know it was essentially one piece.

DOROTHY

(answers without

turning around)

There’s a zipper in the back.

FRED

Getting this on is so much work that I’m sweating like a pig. And I can’t get Mr. Johnson in this sleeve unless he’s at attention, which he’s not....You know, I don’t remember if in the movie his rubber suit had a sleeve for his dick.

DOROTHY

Here, this should help. And stop complaining. And don’t forget to find the stopwatch and compass.

DOROTHY

For Christ’s sake, Fred.

FRED

What?

DOROTHY

It’s not my fantasy to have sex with the Pillsbury Doughboy.

FRED

Look, I’m doing the best I can. This “one size fits all” is a pile of crap.

DOROTHY

I’m going to make some coffee.

INT - WILLIAMS’ KITCHEN - DAY

FRED

Now what?

DOROTHY

Now what, what?

FRED

Well, now what do we do? I’m having trouble seeing the sexual excitement value in this getup.

DOROTHY

Well, for now have some breakfast.

DOROTHY

Great. Perfect timing. Here comes your brother.

DOBS

Well, all set for church I see.

DOBS

Gonna to do some scuba diving are we?

DOBS

You know, I’m not an expert on these things, but I’m pretty sure these rubber suits are supposed to

DOBS (CONTINUED)

enhance your sexual experience, not your breakfast experience.

DOROTHY

See, Fred? I’m not the only one.

FRED

Well, it just shows how little you both know.

DOROTHY

Dobs, you want something to eat.

DOBS

(staring at Fred)

No thanks. I can’t explain it, but I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.

FRED

(Suddenly gets animated, turns

in Dorothy’s direction)

Hey, speaking of unbelievable things, I forgot to tell you about the really weird experience I had at the shop yesterday. You know that blimp Frank Lloyd is married to?

DOROTHY

What about Frank Lloyd’s blimp?

FRED

Well, yesterday, Frank drops his car off to be fixed. An hour or so after he leaves, his wife shows up on a bicycle, huffing and puffing, and all sweaty. She jumps off the bicycle, runs up to me, and asks me, practically yelling at me, if I asked Frank what color his underpants are. I think the woman has flipped or something. I tell her, “No I did not enquire as to the color of your husband’s underwear.”

DOROTHY

She didn’t believe you, did she?

 

FRED

(ignoring her remark)

Well, then she starts crying and says she knew he was lying. I ask her what he was lying about, and she says that Frank told her that I only fix cars for customers who have vibrant, contemporary underpants. Then she gets back on the bicycle and pedals off.

DOBS

That’s interesting, but what was the really weird experience you said you had?

DOROTHY

Are you not telling us everything, Fred? Do you actually insist on knowing the color of your customers’ underpants. You can tell us. We’re family, we already know you’re strange.

DOBS

Yeah, and I’m a cop. I’ve seen and heard it all.

FRED

Very funny, you two. Come on, don’t you think this is friggin weird.

DOBS

Trust me, and I’m not joking here, these stiff-ass types in their suits and ties are usually the ones that turn out to be the strangest. Speaking of which, I’ve got a funny story to tell you about Frank and Jim Moore, who works with him.

FRED

Will this really be funny, or just one of your regular stories?

DOBS

Yesterday I get my hair cut at Tony’s. As I’m walking to my car I

see Jim and Frank, from behind, sitting in Jim’s car. I think to myself, isn’t it a little strange

DOBS (CONTINUED) that if they work in the same office all week, they have to meet on Saturday to talk?

FRED

You see, Dorothy? You see how the mind of a trained detective works? Nothing escapes him.

DOROTHY

Very impressive.

FRED

Continue, Lieutenant Colombo.

DOBS

As I approach the car I hear Frank say, “that’s a beauty, Jim,” and then, just as I walk past, Frank says, “and really nice colors.” Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

FRED

Wonder what?

DOBS

What the two of them were looking at in Jim’s lap. What they couldn’t talk about in the office.

DOROTHY

So what do you think, Dobs? Was it Jim’s underpants or something even more personal?

DOBS

Well, you wouldn’t say, “That’s a beauty,” if you were looking at underpants. But then again, you wouldn’t say, “and really nice colors” if it was something more personal. Or at least I don’t think you would, unless Jim is a really unusual guy. Whaddaya think, Fred?

FRED

I think you two are nuts. You’re making something out of nothing. For all you know, Dobs, Jim might have bought you a really nice

FRED (CONTINUED) birthday present and he was showing it to Frank. They acted funny when you came to the car ‘cause they didn’t want you to see it and ruin the surprise.

DOROTHY

Look, Dobs, your brother is covering for them. He’s in on this with them. This underpants thing must be bigger than we suspected. Come clean, Fred, what are you and the other fruit cups in this town up to? Is this some sort of cult?

DOBS

Thank god that sweaty little fat girl alerted us decent citizens as to what you’re up to, Fred

FRED

Look, I don’t even know who Jim Moore is.

DOROTHY

OK, we’ve got a mystery to solve.

DOBS

You’re right, whether they know it or not, the town is depending on us. All right, what do we know?

FRED

(beat) Well first, we know that Frank told his wife that having vibrant, contemporary, underpants is crucial to getting a car fixed at Fred’s, when it is not. Having vibrant, contemporary, money is crucial to getting a car fixed at Fred’s Foreign Auto. Second?

 

DOBS

Second, we know that he was doing something suspicious in the

neighborhood of Jim Moore’s lap,

in a parked car, in back of the barber shop.

FRED

Certainly justification for suspicion by the townsfolk. But what else do we know?

DOROTHY

Well, I think Frank went to Princeton.

FRED

Me too. And he was in the Navy. I know he said that once. He also lived in San Francisco, I think, when he started as an accountant.

DOBS

And, he drives a sissy French car. Anyone who drives a car like that is either a fruit cup or is, as they say, a latent fruit cup.

DOROTHY

The parts of the puzzle are starting to fall in place. What else?

FRED

We also know he’s married to a dirigible. Never had any kids.

DOBS

He collects guns, but he never shoots them.

A short silence as they look at each other.

DOROTHY

So, where are we?

DOBS

OK. These are the hard facts we’ve got: Princeton, Navy, San Francisco, sissy French car, dirigible for wife, no kids, collects guns but doesn’t shoot

them, fascination with men’s underpants.

FRED

Man, this was staring us in the face

all along; we just didn’t see it.

DOBS

Yeah, but none of it is proof. It’s not real proof.

DOROTHY

Do we need proof? Can’t we just start the rumors and ruin the man’s life with what we have?

DOBS

No, we need something more. So far, it’s all circumstantial. It’s pretty convincing, but it’s still circumstantial.

FRED

So, now what?

DOROTHY

Vicars and Tarts party.

FRED

Vicars and Tarts party it is.

DOBS

Why a Vicars and Tarts party?

FRED

Yeah. Why a Vicars and Tarts Party?

DOBS

And what is a Vicars and Tarts Party?

FRED

“I’m a cop. I’ve seen and heard it all.”

DOROTHY

A Vicars and Tarts party is a party where all the men come dressed as their favorite clergyman, and all the women come dressed as whores, sluts, ladies of the night.

FRED

Dorothy grew up in Brooklyn.

DOBS

Down at the station we call that a Clergymen and Prostitutes party. Anyway, why do we want one?

FRED

You mean, we need a specific reason?

DOROTHY

Listen you imbeciles. We have the party and make sure that there are some sexually attractive women there. We invite Frank and Jim to the party, and we watch to see if Frank is more interested in the seductive women or in Jim.

FRED

It’s settled. One Vicars and Tarts party coming up. When and where shall we have it?

DOROTHY

You leave all that up to me, boys.

DOBS

Now listen, we’ve got to keep the purpose of this mission quiet. This is turning into a sting operation, and it could jeopardise my career if the chief finds out.

FRED

Mom’s the word.

DOROTHY

Mum is the word.

DOBS

OK, mother is the word, but let’s agree to keep the objective of this mission to ourselves.

FRED and DOROTHY

Agreed

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - NIGHT

ANGELA

Oh, Honey, I forgot to tell you that we got an invitation
to a party in three weeks.

FRANK

Oh, who from?

ANGELA

From Bob Newman.

FRANK

Interesting, I haven’t seen Bob Newman in a dog’s age. I always liked that guy, and I’d love to get a shot at getting his business. He and his wife have that very successful chain of marriage counselling centers.

ANGELA

And don’t forget, he’s an officer in the Beaumont Club. It’s the

most exclusive club around.

FRANK

You know, I haven’t thought about it until now, but we haven’t been invited anywhere for ages.

ANGELA

You know, you’re right. I can’t remember the last time anyone invited us to something.

FRANK

Ang, I want to ask you a favor.

ANGELA

Sure, what is it.

FRANK

It’s in regard to this party business.

ANGELA

Sure, what?

FRANK

Well, I want you to promise me that you’ll keep your references to the French to a minimum, and you won’t mention Jerry Lewis at all.

ANGELA

Frank, what are you talking about? What is it? Is it that comment I made about how only the French were smart enough to realize that Jerry Lewis was the comic genius of the twentieth century?

FRANK

In a word, yes.

ANGELA

Well, it’s true.

FRANK

Ang, I don’t want to discuss it.

ANGELA

Why, Frank? You said you agreed with me.

FRANK

No, I did not. I said that Jerry was ONE of the comic geniuses of the twentieth century, I didn’t say that he was THE comic genius.

ANGELA

Well, he was.

FRANK

Angela, you express your opinion as if it’s a fact. Everyone is entitled to his, or her, own opinion about something like this.

ANGELA

Well, Frank, I feel like you have just stabbed me in the back. What, did one of your floozies convince you that Jerry Lewis is

not the comic genius of the twentieth century?

FRANK

I haven’t stabbed anybody. I never said Jerry Lewis was THE comic genius of the century. I think he’s funny and I really like his films. That’s all I ever said.

ANGELA

Why do you pick now to be so spiteful? Sometimes I think you get some sick pleasure from hurting me.

FRANK

I’m not spiteful, Angela. I love you. The problem is, as you should remember, the last time we went to a party was the July 4th Party the Knights had at the Lodge. You remember?

ANGELA

Remember what?

FRANK

You got in an argument and insulted a bunch of women about this Jerry Lewis business.

ANGELA

Well they deserved it, after all Jerry has done for kids with muscular dystrophy. Jerry is an American icon, an American institution, and I couldn’t believe how many people at that affair did not appreciate him.

FRANK

Ang, there is a difference between appreciating talent and agreeing that a man is THE comic genius of the century. There’s a big gap there.

ANGELA

Well, excuse me. Excuse me for having the courage of my

convictions, but I’m not going to let a few lazy housewives tell me that I’m wrong about Jerry.

FRANK

But look what happened. We got only half as many Christmas cards last year, and we haven’t been invited anywhere for over a year.

 

ANGELA

And what? You blame me? I am the reason for that?

FRANK

Not you, Ang, just this Jerry Lewis business. Please, can’t we just agree that you won’t bring it up at this next party? Please?

ANGELA

All right. All right. Just tell me this first. Who, who in your opinion, is THE comic genius of the twentieth century.

FRANK

Well, if I had to pick someone, and this is off the top of my head because I haven’t thought about it, it would be Roseanne Barr.

ANGELA

Now DON’T try to tell me that you are not purposely trying to hurt me. Don’t even pretend. Roseanne? That fat tub-o-lard who is always making wise-cracks? That is the problem. That is the problem, Frank. You can’t differentiate between real humor and wise-cracks. .....Or is it that she lost weight? Is that the barb that you are trying to stick me with? That she lost weight and became attractive.

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - EVENING

FRANK

Ang, I’ve got some interesting news.

ANGELA

Really? What?

FRANK

Harry says that one of the big New York accounting firms may acquire us. He wants me to spend a couple of days in New York with them.

ANGELA

What for? What will you do?

FRANK

Well, they want to explain how the New York operation works with its regional offices.

ANGELA

So, when will we go?

FRANK

Ah,... Ang, I don’t think this is a WE situation.

ANGELA

What do you mean? Are you thinking of going to New York City without me? Without your wife?

FRANK

Well,... yeah. This is a business

trip, Honey, not a sightseeing tour.

ANGELA

So, what. You can’t take me along? I don’t want to go to your meetings, but I’m dying to see New York.

FRANK

Ang, it costs an arm and a leg to do anything in New York City.

ANGELA

Yeah, but a big expense is the hotel room, and that will be paid for by the firm, right?

FRANK

Ang, this is a bad idea. The next time I go to New York you can come. I promise.

 

 

ANGELA

(starts to cry)

You don’t love me. I don’t know why you ever married me. You’re too selfish to be married to anyone.

INT - WILLIAMS’ KITCHEN - EVENING

DOBS

Dorothy, this chicken is terrific. You really know what to order from the Colonel....By the way, Fred, what was the news from cousin Dabney. Dorot said he called.

FRED

Oh, yeah. He says he’s coming Willis Falls the end of next week, and he wants to know if he can stay with us for awhile. Something about expanding his operations.

DOROTHY

So, what did you tell him?

FRED

What could I say? I said, “sure.” We don’t have much choice, do we?

DOROTHY

Great, great. I don’t know what is the worst thing about him: his slimy manner, that he is always

hitting on me, or that he can’t stop selling insurance. And that

business about changing his last name from Pilly to Armstrong is just so,...so,....phoney.

FRED

You say those things like they’re negatives. Dabney is financially the most successful member of the clan. And let us not forget, we

FRED (CONTINUED) wouldn’t have gotten the loan to buy the house on the lake, never mind to start up Fred’s Foreign Auto Repair, without Dabney showing us the right way to make out the loan applications.

DOBS

And without him providing you with that insurance policy that shows you’re insured for two million dollars.

FRED

DOROTHY

But I hate having him around.

FRED

Look, we’re stuck with him for a while. The decision is final. No further discussion. Case closed.

DOROTHY

Well, how about suggesting that he stays out at the lake house? It’s only thirty minutes from town.

FRED

You know, that’s a good idea. I’ll bet he’ll go for it.

 

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - EVENING

FRANK

Oh, almost forgot. I got your train tickets.

FRANK

Here, Honey. I was right, by the way, you have to take the sleeper.

ANGELA

What do you mean, “you have to take the sleeper.” Aren’t we taking the train together?

FRANK

Well, no. I’ve got to fly. The firm has already paid for my ticket. Besides, Harry’d get suspicious if he found out that I decided to take the train. He made me promise, he made me swear, that I would not bring you. Remember?

ANGELA

I can’t believe you. I just can’t believe you. You are going to let your own wife take the train, while you, safe and sound, fly there. Don’t you realize that the train is dirty and full of strange men looking for sex? Don’t you realize that, Frank?

FRANK

Honey, the problem with what you’re saying is how you say it. You make it sound so depressing. Say it like this: “Oh boy, I get to ride the train to New York. It’s safe, roomy, there’s a nice restaurant car train, and if I want sex there are plenty of men ready to service me.” See the difference that nuance makes.

INT - TRAIN STATION - DAY

FRANK

OK now, Honey, all set?

ANGELA

I think so.

FRANK

Got your pepper spray and whistle?

ANGELA

Yep. And, Frank, you were right. It would have been too expensive for me to fly ‘cause we would have had to pay for a first class seat.

FRANK

The train will be more comfortable anyway?

ANGELA

You’re right. And you’ll see. I won’t be any trouble in New York. I can take care of myself and be completely independent when I’m there. I won’t be a burden at all.

FRANK

I love you, Honey, now get on the train. I’ll meet you in New York, tomorrow.

ANGELA

I love you and you won’t regret bringing me. You’ll see.

 

INT - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

FRANK

I’ll just put your bags over here. So, everything go OK?

ANGELA

No, everything was fine.

FRANK

Did you manage to fight off all the rapists on the train?

ANGELA

Very funny. Boy, this room is small.

FRANK

So, you want to eat something?

ANGELA

Yeah, OK. What do you suggest?

FRANK

How about if we try a Chinese restaurant?

ANGELA

Sounds exciting: a Chinese restaurant in New York City. Let’s do it.

INT - HOTEL ROOM - MORNING

FRANK

Come on Ang, gotta get going.

Angela comes out of the bathroom.

FRANK

Now, you’re going to take a taxi down to Wall Street and then walk to the Statue of Liberty?

ANGELA

I was hoping you would come with me, you know, just to drop me off, and then you could take the taxi to the accounting firm.

FRANK

Ang, I can’t. No time. The accounting firm is only six blocks from here. The bottom of Manhattan is about five miles away.

ANGELA

Well,.. . well, it’s just that I’m uncomfortable taking a taxi.

FRANK

Why?

ANGELA

Well, I didn’t want to tell you this last night because I thought it might upset you, but the driver

ANGELA (CONTINUED) in the taxi I took from the train station to the hotel tried to proposition me.

FRANK

Really? What did he say?

ANGELA

Well,...he said,.. he asked me if I wanted to go back and see his apartment.

FRANK

No, no, Honey. That wasn’t a proposition. The guy was just being hospitable. New Yorkers are famous for being friendly, especially to out-of-towners. He didn’t really want you to go back to his apartment.

ANGELA

Really?

FRANK

Yes, absolutely. When I took the taxi in from the airport the driver said the same thing. He invited me to see his apartment. He was just being polite. So come on now, Honey, let’s go.

INT - HALL OUTSIDE HOTEL ROOM - MORNING

FRANK

Good morning.

CHAMBERMAID

Hello. All right to tidy up your room now?

FRANK

Sure.

INT - IN FRONT OF HOTEL ELEVATOR - MORNING

ANGELA

(irritated)

Frank, must you flirt with every woman you see?

FRANK

I can’t control myself.

 

INT - WALKING THRU HOTEL LOBBY - MORNING

ANGELA

Frank, I don’t wanna take a taxi.

FRANK

Well, take the subway, an important part of the New York experience. We’ll ask at the desk.

 

INT - HOTEL CONCIERGE DESK - MORNING

FRANK

Excuse me. Can you tell us if it’s possible to take the subway down to Wall Street?

CONCIERGE

Couldn’t be easier. You just walk over two blocks that way on Lexington Avenue. Go in the Subway and take the Number 4 or 5 train downtown to Wall Street. You can’t get lost. And here’s a subway map.

FRANK

You hear that, Honey, “it couldn’t be more simple. You can’t get lost.” And you’ve got a map. Do you think you can handle it?

ANGELA

I suppose so.

FRANK

Oh darn, I forgot my watch. I’d better go back and get it. OK, you

FRANK (CONTINUED) be all right? I’ll see you back here tonight, probably after dinner.

ANGELA

After dinner? I thought you would be having dinner with me?

FRANK

I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure the firm will want me to have dinner with some of their people.

ANGELA

Well, what am I supposed to do?

FRANK

I thought you said you would be all right on your own, Angela. I thought you could eat a meal or two on your own.

ANGELA

But I hate to eat alone in a restaurant. All the other people stare at you and wonder what is wrong with you that no one else will eat with you.

FRANK

(exasperated)

Well then, order room service, Honey. Just scribble my name on the check. I’ve got to get going. I’m already fifteen minutes late.

ANGELA

OK, Frank. OK. Don’t worry about me. You just go back upstairs and hit on the maid like I know you’re going to. You aren’t fooling me. You want to see if you can score with a chambermaid in a big New

York City hotel. I know that’s how you businessmen think. But don’t worry, I won’t get in the way. I’ll get out of your hair. I’ll find the subway on my own.

 

FRANK

Thanks, Honey, I knew you’d understand.

EXT - SUBWAY ENTRANCE - DAY

INT - HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

Angela is at the hotel lobby stand containing brochures to all the sightseeing attractions. She takes one of each.

INT - HOTEL ROOM - DAY

INT - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

FRANK

Hi, Pumpkin. Have a good day?

ANGELA

Yeah, I was pretty busy.

FRANK

(getting undressed)

Whatcha see?

ANGELA

Oh, the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, The Museum of Science. Some stores.

FRANK

Sounds interesting. Want to tell me about it?

ANGELA

Not tonight. I’m really tired.

FRANK

Maybe that’s good, ‘cause I’m pooped too.

INT - HOTEL ROOM - MORNING

FRANK

OK, I’m off.

ANGELA

But you’ll be back for dinner. You promised.

FRANK

I’ll try my best. It’s Friday night and I’m sure they all want to get home to their families.

ANGELA

OK, but make sure you don’t do anything to encourage them to take you to dinner.

FRANK

Absolutely not. All right, see you later.

 

INT - HOTEL ROOM - EVENING

FRANK

Ang, Honey, bad news.

ANGELA

Frank, it’s almost six o’clock.

FRANK

I know, Honey, but we got tied up. More important, I have to leave in a few minutes to meet the guys.

ANGELA

What are you talking about?

FRANK

The guys insist on taking me to the early show at one of these comedy clubs, I think it’s called Catch a Rising Star. And then we are going to have dinner club.

ANGELA

Well, what about me? What am I supposed to do?

FRANK

Ang, you are going to have to fend for yourself.

ANGELA

I can’t believe you. These men are more important to you than your own wife. If you cared about me you would call them up right now and tell them that you are not feeling well. That’s what you should do if you love me.

FRANK

What I should do is kick myself for ever having let you talk me into bringing you along. Now I’ve told you, Angela, the reason for this trip is business. You agreed to that. You said you wouldn’t be in my way. And now you want me to duck out of the last meeting.

ANGELA

What meeting? This is just you and some men you hardly know trying to have a good time on the company’s money.

FRANK

That is just the way it works. I can’t change it.

INT - MAIN ROOM - COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

EXT - AVENUE OUTSIDE HOTEL - NIGHT

ANGELA

Do you know where Catch a Flying Star is?

TAXI DRIVER

I think you want Catch a Rising Star, Lady. Hop in.

 

INT - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

FRANK

You don’t have to pretend to be asleep.

ANGELA

I’m never talking to you again.

FRANK

What did you do? Did you follow me to the club and then follow us to the restaurant?

ANGELA

I just ended up there by chance. That’s all.

FRED

Right, and what did you think would happen? Did you think that half way through dinner I would turn to the group and say, “Would you boys like to meet my wife? She’s sitting at the table next to us.”

ANGELA

I didn’t bother you, did I?

FRANK

Do you know what it was like for me, thinking that at any minute you were going to stand up and announce who you are. And the longer you put it off, the stranger it would seem to everyone.

 

ANGELA

I’m not talking to you any more.

FRANK

Fine with me.

ANGELA

When I get home I’m going to live with my parents.

FRANK

Fine with me.

INT - HOTEL ROOM - MORNING

ANGELA

You have only yourself to blame for last night.

FRANK

What? And how is that?

ANGELA

You should have gone to dinner with me.

FRANK

Why, because you have been sitting in the hotel room for two days?

ANGELA

What are you talking about?

FRANK

Nobody fools you, Angela, nobody can fool you. But you are really good at fooling the rest of us.

ANGELA

And what are you saying? What do you mean by that?

 

 

FRANK

You think I don’t know that you spent the whole time in New York

sitting in this hotel room?

ANGELA

I did not, I saw lots of things. I have the brochures to prove it.

FRANK

Brochures, every one of which has Waldorf Astoria stamped on the back. Didn’t you notice that? You don’t have a single ticket stub from any of the places you said you saw. Yep, your big chance to see New York City, and you stayed in the hotel room and watched TV the whole time.

ANGELA

(angry and at the point of tears)

Well, what did you expect me to do? I knew you were just waiting to run back here and have sex with the first floozy who smiles at you. You couldn’t even take your eyes off the chambermaid, even though I was standing there right next to you.

FRANK

Angela, you are living in your mind.

ANGELA

What, you think I don’t know about you and Collette, and your laughing about the beached whale behind her back?

FRANK

What? What are you talking about?

ANGELA

You know what, you don’t fool me.

FRANK

Angela, you need help.

 

ANGELA

Help. Hah! The only people who want to help me are my parents, so I’m going to live with them.

FRANK

Good. Go run to your schoolmarm mother and your bowling-wizard father.

ANGELA

You think you’re so smart and know everything. Well for a Princeton graduate you don’t know much at all.

FRANK

Oh no? Well, let me tell you some of the things I do know,… things I know about the French.

ANGELA

Like what?

FRANK

Like I know the reason they invented perfume is ‘cause they don’t like to bathe. They are afraid of a little soap and water.

ANGELA

That’s a lie.

FRANK

And I know that the reason they invented the French Foreign Legion was so they would have a place to send their homosexuals.

ANGELA

WHAT? WHAT? Are you saying that Gary Cooper was gay? Are you

saying that? Here, I’m writing that down. I don’t want to forget that one.

(Angela goes to the table and takes out a piece of paper and starts to write)

ANGELA

I’m going to show this to people. You’ll see, Frank. Gary Cooper a

homosexual. Now people will know how sick you really are.

FRANK

And you want to know about French sauces? The reason the French are famous for their sauces is ‘cause they use them to cover up the funny meats they eat.

ANGELA

That’s not true.

FRANK

Yes it is. They eat things like frogs, and pigeons, and rabbits.

ANGELA

I’m writing this down, Frank. Go ahead, go ahead.

FRANK

That’s why they love to watch Bugs Bunny. Half the time they are laughing, the other half they’re salivating. It’s really disgusting to see.

ANGELA

How would you know? You’ve never been to France.

FRANK

You want to know how I know? You want to know? ‘Cause Collette told me, that’s how I know.

ANGELA

What?

FRANK

Right, Collette told me. And she lives right in the center of Paris, next to the Eiffel Tower.

ANGELA

You, ...you, bastard! I knew it all along! I knew it! All right,

ANGELA (CONTINUED)

when I get to Pennsylvania Station I’m calling my mother and telling her to pick me up at the train.

FRANK

Bon voyage!

INT - WILLIAMS’ KITCHEN - DAY

FRED

Dabney, you comin to this shindig tonight?

DABNEY

I guess so. There’s nothing else to do in this godforsaken place. What time does it start?

FRED

Seven-thirtyish. Listen, Dorot, I’ve got to take some stuff over to the Lodge. I’ll be back here around six-thirty, OK?

DOROTHY

Okey dokey.

Fred leaves. Dorothy and Dabney are left in the kitchen.

DOROTHY

Dabney, I’ve got a little favor to ask you, a favor along the lines of being a co-conspirator with me.

DABNEY

The answer is a definite yes.

DOROTHY

Did Fred tell you what kind of party this is?

 

 

DABNEY

No, just a get together of some of the locals.

DOROTHY

Well, it’s a little more than that. It’s what, back in New York, we call a Vicars and Tarts party.

DABNEY

What’s that?

DOROTHY

It’s a party where all the men come dressed as clergymen and all the women come dressed as sluts.

DABNEY

Count me in. Count me in.

DOROTHY

Unbeknownst to Fred, I’ve invited his baby brother Danny and some of his priest friends to come. I even told Danny that Fred wants them to come in their vestments, if they could.

DABNEY

You mean for my nephew, the newly ordained Father Danny, and the other priests, to come in their vestments, but they don’t know about the vicars and tarts thing?

DOROTHY

You got it.

DABNEY

Oh, you’re a devil, Dorothy.

DOROTHY

I want you to pick up Danny and his friends and bring them to the festivities. Can you do that? And don’t mention the vicars and tarts

thing. That means that you can’t get dressed up like a priest or anything.

DABNEY

Hell, my favorite clergyman is Jimmy Swaggert, so I’m already appropriately attired.

DOROTHY

Yeah, I guess you are. Perfect. So, pick them up after eight thirty. Don’t get there until the house is full. Maximum exposure, if you know what I mean.

DABNEY

Dorothy, dump Fred and marry me. Please!

DOROTHY

Get going. I’ll see you later.

INT - BADGER LODGE PARTY - NIGHT

DABNEY

Oh-oh.

DANNY

What’s wrong?

DABNEY

Oh, nothin. Well, let’s mix.

INT - BADGER LODGE PARTY - NIGHT

DABNEY

Dorothy, what gives?

DOROTHY

You won’t believe it.

DABNEY

Try me. What about the vicars and tarts business?

DOROTHY

Practically all the men decided, like you, to come dressed as Jimmy Swaggert or Jimmy Baker.

DABNEY

In other words, they put on their regular suits.

DOROTHY

Right, and every husband told his wife that it was a “tarts” party, which meant that the wives were supposed to bring tarts, like pies and pastries.

DABNEY

So, every husband was hoping that every other man’s wife would come dressed like a slut while his own wife is in her regular frumpy party outfit.

DOROTHY

Yep, only five of us came dressed, how shall I put it, attractively. Poor Rachael and Sarah here are afraid to take off their raincoats. And the rest of us are afraid to unwrap these dresses.

DABNEY

What a disaster. What an unmitigated disaster. Where is that moron you’re married to?

DOROTHY

Don’t know, don’t care.

INT - BADGER LODGE PARTY - NIGHT

DABNEY

Dobs, what happened? How could you guys screw this up so bad?

DOBS

Don’t blame me. I’m as disappointed as you, believe me.

DABNEY

Well, now what am I going to do? This’ll be as boring as cow shit.

DOBS

Have a drink. Have several drinks. They’re only a buck a piece.

GUY 1

Fred, why didn’t you get the white man’s model?

FRED

What do ya mean?

GUY 2

(pointing at dick sleeve

of rubber suit)

Well, look at that sleeve. That has to be the black man’s model.

Everyone laughs. Dabney turns back to Dobs.

DABNEY

Dobs, are there any poor souls here tonight who have lived in the town a long time and are fairly well liked? Maybe some accountants or teachers?

DOBS

(beat)

Well, there’s the underpants guy.

DABNEY

Who?

DOBS

Never mind. I’ll explain another time. Standing over there is an

DOBS (CONTINUED) accountant who has lived in Willis

Falls a long time. You want me to introduce you?

DOBS

Frank, how ya doing?

FRANK

Fair to Midland, Dobs. Can’t complain.

DOBS

The wife with you?

FRANK

Nah, at the moment the wife prefers her parent’s company to mine.

DOBS

Lucky you. By the way, I don’t see Jim Moore, I thought he was coming.

FRANK

At the last minute his wife came down with the flu. That reminds me, I haven’t seen Bob Newman.

DOBS

Oh, didn’t you hear the big news? Bob ran off with his secretary. Left the wife, two kids, the big house and the business. Gone to Tahiti or someplace like that.

FRANK

Holy cow! I hadn’t heard.

DOBS

Oh, sorry, Frank, I don’t mean to be rude. This is my cousin, Dabney Armstrong. He lives up around Davenport and is visiting with us for a while.

DABNEY

Hi, Frank, nice to meet you. Dobs and Fred have told me a lot of nice things about you.

FRANK

Really? I didn’t even know they knew a lot of nice things about me.

DABNEY

Well, they made it sound like you are one of the most respected men in the community. Made it sound like you should be running for mayor or something.

DOBS

Yeah, don’t be so modest, Frank. Will you guys excuse me for a minute? I’m gonna go get a beer.

FRANK and DABNEY

Sure, sure.

FRANK

So, Dobs tells me you’re an accountant with the biggest firm in the area....

 

INT - BADGER LODGE PARTY - NIGHT

DANNY

(a smirk on his face)

So, Dorothy, I understand that the tarts that are supposed to be here aren’t pastries.

DOROTHY

Who told you that?

DANNY

A little bird.

DOROTHY

Well, unfortunately, this town is full of the most boring people in

the world who wouldn’t know how to have a good time if their lives depended on it.

 

DOROTHY (CONTINUED)

(beat) Gosh I’m thirsty. Danny, would you get me something to drink?

DANNY

Sure, what would you like?

DOROTHY

Oh, I don’t know. Maybe some apple juice.

DANNY

Sure, ...if I can find some.

PRIEST 1

So I gather, Mrs. Williams, that only a few of you came dressed appropriately tonight.

DOROTHY

Yes, only about five of us, and no one will appreciate our costumes.

(long beat)

You know, would you mind if I asked you boys your opinion about something? About my costume?

PRIESTS 1 and 2

Sure. OK.

DOROTHY

Well, for my costume I’ve got a frilly lace bra, a black garter belt, black fishnet stockings, and I bought some panties, I think they call them crotchless panties. I’ve never worn them before. Here, let me show you.

DOROTHY

So my question is, these crotchless panties have these laces that you can use to tie the panties closed, like they are now. Or, you can not tie the laces and just let them hang down. Here,

I’ll show you. My question is, which way do you think looks better? Which way looks more sexy? You know, how would a real prostitute wear them?

So, which way looks better?

Boys stare at Dorothy’s crotch with open mouths.

 

Boys, which way looks better?

 

INT - BADGER LODGE PARTY - NIGHT

DABNEY

Look, Frank, if you are going to think of this as just selling insurance, then I don’t want you to even think about getting into the business. What you are selling is the most precious product in the world, you are selling financial security.

DOROTHY

Sorry to interrupt you two.

DABNEY

Oh, hi, Dorothy.

FRANK

Hi, Mrs. Williams.

DOROTHY

Hi, Mr. Lloyd. Listen, Dabney, Danny and pals have to do some early masses tomorrow, so they have to get going soon, OK?

DABNEY

OK, no problem. I’ll round them up in a minute.

DOROTHY

Do you know where that shitbag I’m married to is?

DABNEY

Last I saw, he was trying to unload that rubber monstrosity on anyone stupid enough to buy it.

DABNEY

So before I go, Frank, remember, when you work with us you are providing one of the most precious products a company can provide, and you are doing it at your own pace. You are controlling your own destiny. Whether you succeed or fail is totally up to you. And I can tell from the short time I’ve been with you, that you’re a guy who doesn’t like to fail.

FRANK

OK, Dabney. I’ll think about it.

DABNEY

Good. Now remember, if you want to talk some more, come on out to the lake next Saturday or Sunday. Can you remember those directions?

FRANK

Yeah, they were pretty simple.

DABNEY

Now remember, all the houses are set back from the road. If, when you pull down the driveway, you don’t see my Mercedes, you’re at the wrong house.

FRANK

I’ll find it, and if I can’t, I wrote down your phone number.

 

DABNEY

Great. Well, I hope you think about it seriously. OK, Frank, I gotta go. I’m really glad we had a chance to meet.

FRANK

Me too.

EXT - IN PEUGEOT AUTOMOBILE - DAY

Frank is driving out by the lake, looking for Williams’ cottage. He pulls into the fifth driveway past the fire hydrant, mistaking the first driveway he saw for a fire road. He drives up the long driveway, and sees a short man standing next to an old Buick. Frank stops the car, puts it in reverse and backs out of the driveway. He gives the short man, who is giving him a very strange look, a wave, as if to signal that it was a mistake. Frank then goes back about a fifth of a mile and takes that driveway. Success -- a Mercedes.

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - EVENING

ANGELA

I’ve decided to give you another chance.

FRANK

Lucky me.

ANGELA

I’ll make dinner and we’ll talk.

 

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - MORNING

Angela and Frank are eating breakfast, cereal boxes on the table. Angela in pyjamas, Frank in his suit.

FRANK

I haven’t told you, but I’ve decided to take up a part-time job, more like a part-time career.

ANGELA

Oh really? What?

FRANK

I’m going to be a financial counselor and sell a range of financial products.

ANGELA

You mean, like an insurance salesman?

FRANK

Well, sorta, but it’s much more. More involved.

ANGELA

When are you going to do it?

FRANK

I’m going to make one or two calls a night. Maybe go out four nights a week, after dinner.

ANGELA

Well, can I come with you. I’ll just sit in the car and wait. You shouldn’t be long, right?

FRANK

Are you sure you want to do that? It will get awfully boring.

ANGELA

Well, it won’t be any more boring than just sitting at home.

 

INT - CLIENT’S KITCHEN - NIGHT

FRANK

So that is the course we would advise. It offers a good balance between maintaining a comfortable, but not extravagant, lifestyle, while putting away enough money to be sure that you will be financially secure in your later years. These things are important, so you might want to think about this for a few days.

HOUSEWIFE

You’re right. We would like to think about it. We know you are right about having to plan for the future and all, but this will

represent a big change if we save this much money each month.

HOUSEWIFE

What’s that?

FRANK

Probably my wife?

HUSBAND

Your wife?

FRANK

Yeah, she insists on waiting in the car.

HUSBAND

Why?

FRANK

She’s insanely jealous.

HOUSEWIFE

Of what?

INT - LLOYD’S PEUGEOT - NIGHT

FRANK

The next time you do that will be the last time you come with me.

ANGELA

Well, I was nervous.

FRANK

Why?

ANGELA

You told me you would only be 20 or 30 minutes, and you were in there 45 minutes already.

 

FRANK

I was in there a long time because things were going well. Very well.

ANGELA

Well, I’m sorry. I was just worried, that’s all.

FRANK

Well just remember for the future: First, no horn. Second, if I’m in their home a long time, that’s a a sign I might have a sale.

ANGELA

I’m sorry, Frank. I’ll remember.

 

INT - LLOYD’S PEUGEOT - NIGHT

ANGELA

Boy, Frank, this house is really in the middle of nowhere. It looks kind of spooky. And look at all those “NO TRESPASSING” signs. You sure you want to go in there?

FRANK

Well, it’s on the list Dabney gave me. If they don’t want to talk, I’ll just leave.

INT - IN SPOOKY HOUSE - NIGHT

FRANK

Well, Mr. Adams, I’m supposed to be talking to you about financial matters, but I see you’ve got one heck of a collection of rifles.

MRS. ADAMS

My husband loves to hunt. His favorite thing in the world.

MR. ADAMS

You, Mr. Lloyd, you like to hunt?

FRANK

No, but I collect guns, mostly handguns, but I can appreciate what you’ve got here. Those Parker double barrels are very valuable.

MR. ADAMS

Yeah, those are my favorite bird guns. Had them for years.

MRS. ADAMS

What’s that?

MR. ADAMS

Don’t know, better take a look.

FRANK

Do you really think you need the gun. Probably just an animal.

MR. ADAMS

Maybe you’re right. Our dog is at the vet’s. Probably just a skunk.

FRANK

Maybe you ought to take the gun. You never know these days.

FRANK

Does this happen often, Mrs. Adams

MRS. ADAMS

Oh sure. We get skunks and racoons coming around and making a racket all the time.

Mr. Adams comes back in the door.

MR. ADAMS

If I didn’t know better, I’d say I just saw a really fat woman running down our driveway.

 

INT - LLOYD’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

TELEVISION NEWSCASTER

Law enforcement authorities believe that this man, Mortimer Bundy, may be hiding in the southern Iowa. Mr. Bundy is wanted for murder in numerous countries. He is a professional killer and is on the FBI’s most wanted list. If you should see him, call the telephone number you see now on your screen. His is armed and extremely dangerous.

FRANK

You know, Ang, I’ve seen that guy somewhere.

ANGELA

Don’t be silly, Frank. What would an internationally wanted criminal be doing in Willis Falls? Of all the places for him to be -- Willis Falls. I mean, if you were an international criminal, would you hide out here?

FRANK

I don’t know where I’d hide out.

INT - LLOYD’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

EXT - WRONG DRIVEWAY AT LAKE - DAY

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - DAY

Betty and Angela are drinking coffee.

BETTY

So this insurance thing is starting to work out, is it?

ANGELA

Yeah, just in the last month. His boss says that Frank is now one of the top salesmen. I think it’s ‘cause he sees so many hunters. He likes to talk guns with them.

BETTY

(hesitating)

Angela, I have something to tell you. It is really strange, and it may be totally nonsense, but I think, as your mother, I should tell you anyway.

ANGELA

Sure, Mom, what is it?

BETTY

It’s about Frank.

ANGELA

Yeah?

BETTY

Well, Bob heard, and this may be total nonsense, Bob overheard some men at the Bowladrome talking and laughing about something they had heard from one of the local cops. This policeman, and I don’t know who it is, said they all know Frank Lloyd has an underpants fetish. Men’s underpants.

ANGELA

What? That’s crazy. That is absolutely crazy. I’m not even really sure I know what an underpants fetish is, but I know that my husband doesn’t have one.

ANGELA (CONTINUED)

They must have been talking about a Frank Boyd, or a Hank Lloyd.

BETTY

Well, you’re probably right, Ang, You’re his wife, and you’d know if this sort of thing were true.

INT - LLOYD’S KITCHEN - MORNING

FRANK

Ang, I’m just gonna make just one house call today. Out by the lake. Then maybe I’ll go by and see Dabney. Wanna come?

ANGELA

I don’t know. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll just stay here.

FRANK

I think that as long as I’m out by the lake I may as well stop in and see Dabney Armstrong....Did I

tell you that Dabney told me that the reason the cottages out there are set so far back is because lots of the people around the lake are nudists?

ANGELA

(beat)

You know, I think I will go with you, Frank. It is much too nice a day to sit in the house.

 

INT - WILLIAMS’ COTTAGE KITCHEN - DAY

FRED

Who was that?

DOROTHY

Cousin Dabney. Says he’s coming out here later. Bringing Danny and a couple of his friends. Says he told you about it.

FRED

Yeah. He has this idea that priests might introduce him to the members of their parish who would be good insurance prospects. Not a bad idea.

DOROTHY

I don’t know, Fred. That is really pretty low, pretty sleazy.

FRED

Dabney says it could be a huge success. Says he’s going to give us a cut on each sale, like a commission, for all our help.

DOROTHY

Woo. Interesting. Do we have to split with Dobs?

FRED

No. Dobs knows nothing about this; so don’t mention it to him.

DOROTHY

Mom’s the word.

FRED

Where is Dobs, by the way?

DOROTHY

He went back to our house to get the monkey suit.

FRED

Why? What’s he going to do with that rubber torture chamber?

Dorothy

He saw that scuba gear you stole from Barry Goldberg and he wants to try some diving in the lake. Says he is going to use the monkey suit as a wet suit.

FRED

I didn’t steal the stuff. Barry owes me for three repair jobs on his BMW. I have just borrowed his diving gear from his trunk, and I’ll return it when he pays me.

DOROTHY

I didn’t know ‘till today that Dobs knows how to scuba dive.

FRED

When he was in the Navy he did some diving. I think they make all the guys in the Navy learn the basics of diving.

DOROTHY

Oh, where was he based?

FRED

San Francisco, I think.

DOROTHY

Interesting, he never told me.

 

INT - KILLER’S COTTAGE BATHROOM - DAY

KILLER

Oh, shit! Forgot to turn on the water pump and now the tanks are empty. What a stupid system.

 

EXT - KILLER’S COTTAGE BACK YARD - DAY

KILLER

Put your hands up, asshole. If you so much as twitch, I’ll blow your head off.

What’s in the briefcase, shithead?

FRANK

Papers.

KILLER

Slowly, very slowly, turn around, put your hands down and open the briefcase. Leave it on the ground and open it. I’m tellin ya now, if there is anything in there besides papers, you’re a dead man. Want to change your mind about what is in the briefcase?

FRANK

No. It’s just papers.

KILLER

What are those?

FRANK

Insurance applications, Mr. Bundy.

KILLER

How do you know my name?

FRANK

I saw your picture on the TV.

KILLER

And what? You came out here to sell me some insurance?

FRANK

Yeah.

KILLER

(shakes his head in disbelief)

Right. OK, nice and slow, put your hands back up. We are going to walk around the house and go in

KILLER (CONTINUED) the back door. If you try to run, I’ll fuckin kill you.

INT - KILLER’S COTTAGE KITCHEN - DAY

KILLER

Stop right there. You have a gun?

FRANK

No

KILLER

All right, Mr. Cleverdick, this is what we’re gonna do. You are going to turn around and face me. You will then put your hands down. You are going to slowly take each article of clothing off. At the point at which I see a gun, I’m going to kill you. Want to change your mind about the gun question?

FRANK

Nope. I don’t have a gun.

KILLER

Start taking your clothes off, slow.

KILLER

All right. Sit down in that chair, puts your arms behind you.

KILLER

I know you’re supposed to use duct tape for this, but K-Mart

KILLER (CONTINUED) was fresh out. I hope you don’t mind.

FRANK

No problem.

KILLER

All right. Who are you and what do you want?

FRANK

My name is Frank Lloyd and I’m an accountant. I sell insurance part time. I came out here to see if you might be interested in buying some insurance.

KILLER

How’d you know who I am? How’d you know I was here?

FRANK

Well, like I said, I saw your picture on the news. And a while ago, I was lost, and I pulled into your driveway by mistake, saw you, and left.

KILLER

Were you the guy in the white Peugeot?

FRANK

Yeah, that was me.

KILLER

Nice car. I always liked that model.

FRANK

(beat)

Thanks.

KILLER

Well, why didn’t you tell the cops?

FRANK

Tell them what?

KILLER

That I’m here.

FRANK

Why would I do that?

KILLER

Never mind. This is fuckin weird.

FRANK

What’s weird?

KILLER

(exasperated and getting excited)

“What’s weird? What’s weird?” I’m a hired killer! I’ve knocked off people all over the world. The FBI and Interpol are looking for me. And I’m sure that the state police and the local police are looking for me. None of these people can find me. BUT, an insurance salesman who is hoping to make one more sale tracks me down. You don’t think that’s weird?

KILLER

I don’t believe this. You’ve got to be a cop. And if you are, I’ll admit, I’m confused. I’ve been dealing with cops my whole life, and I can tell you they are pretty dumb. Now you, you are either dumber than the dumbest cop, or you are actually very clever. Well, just so you know the rules, Buddy, as soon as I see one of your co-workers I blow him away, and you too.

Killer paces around the kitchen.

 

 

KILLER

I need a cup of coffee. What I really need is a stiff drink, but I’d better stick with coffee.

FRANK

You can relax Mr. Bundy. I’m not a cop, honest.

KILLER

You’re not a cop? You’re just a guy who came out here to sell me an insurance policy?

FRANK

Yes, that’s right. Why don’t you believe me?

EXT - LLOYD’S CAR ON ROAD - DAY

INT - KILLER’S COTTAGE KITCHEN - DAY

KILLER

Tell me, what’s your name again?

FRANK

Frank Lloyd.

KILLER

Tell me, Frank, isn’t there a space on the application where I would have to fill in my profession? I’ve never filled out an insurance form, but I’m willing to bet that they want to know what I do for a living.

FRANK

Sure. Naturally.

KILLER

Well, which is the best choice do you think: killer, bank robber, kidnapper? I’m new to this, so tell me, which one do you think is the most impressive?

FRANK

Consultant. Consultant on law enforcement issues.

KILLER

Consultant. Of course, silly me. Consultant. I guess we are safe with that one. What about a permanent address?

FRANK

You can use any address, doesn’t matter, you just say you moved. If you want, use my address.

KILLER

Oh, how generous. And don’t you think they will get a little suspicious when the insurance company sees my name?

FRANK

They wouldn’t recognize your name if you put down Darth Vader, Mr. Nolonger Liveshere, or Mr. Bowel Movement. It’s all done by computer.

KILLER

You know, Frank, you are starting to convince me that maybe I can get insured. But, why do I want insurance? I don’t care about anybody. I don’t have any family.

FRANK

You must have some kids? ...Maybe some illegitimate kids?

 

 

 

KILLER

What? ...What, you just assume that because I’m a criminal I must have some illegitimate kids?

FRANK

(pause)

Well, ...yeah.

KILLER

(beat,

irritated tone)

Well,... I do. But I still don’t think you have the right to assume that about me. That is really an insult. You know, to assume something like that about a person you don’t even know is really offensive.

FRANK

Oh, I didn’t mean any offence. Really. It wasn’t a comment on your moral character. It is just that, you know, I assume that you don’t stay long in any one place, so your relationships all have to be brief, and probably intense.

KILLER

Well, you’re right. That is exactly the problem with my line of work. Not many people appreciate that. Not many people appreciate all the hardships involved in a job like mine. They see the big bucks and the glamour, but not the down side.

FRANK

Well, do you like it?

KILLER

Like what?

FRANK

Your job? Your life?

KILLER

(beat)

I think the answer is...I don’t know. Some days it is OK, but other days it really sucks. What about you, you like your life?

FRANK

(beat)

I live in middle-of-nowhere Iowa, I’m an accountant, and I sell

life insurance part time to make ends meet. What do you think?

KILLER

Yeah, I don’t think I want to trade with you.

KILLER

Well, Mr. Cleverdick, your story just got blown. I see someone moving through the woods towards the cottage. In a few seconds he’ll be dead, and so will you. Too bad, I was startin to like ya. Any last words?

FRANK

Honest. I’m not a cop. I’m not involved in any way in trying to catch you. ...Listen, just go ahead and shoot whoever it is. Go ahead. They probably deserve it anyway. This is private property.

KILLER

Boy, if you are a cop, you’re using the most unusual tactics I’ve ever seen.

FRANK

What’s wrong?

KILLER

I need a bigger gun.

FRANK

What?

KILLER

Trust me. If you could see what’s coming, you’d understand.

FRANK

Oh, baloney. That’s a thirty-odd-six. That rifle will bring down anything.

KILLER

What, you a hunter?

FRANK

No. I’m a gun collector.

KILLER

No kidding, what do you collect?

FRANK

Handguns mostly. I’ve got about sixty different pieces.

KILLER

No shit, an accountant slash insurance salesman who collects handguns. Interesting. Well, almost interesting.

FRANK

(exasperated)

Well, you gonna shoot her or not?

KILLER

Well, that definitely is interesting. Why’d you say “her”?

FRANK

(shaking his head at blunder)

I don’t know. Just a guess. I thought you said, “her.”

KILLER

Right.

FRANK

Well, are you gonna shoot the person or not.

KILLER

Can’t.

FRANK

What?

KILLER

I can’t.

FRANK

(getting angry)

Whaddaya mean can’t. Don’t give me that can’t business. You can, you just don’t want to.

KILLER

You’re right. I have rules. I kill cops for free but I kill other people only if I get paid to.

FRANK

Great. A killer with rules.

KILLER

So, Frank, I take it that this is your old lady lumbering towards my abode.

FRANK

What, “old lady.” It’s probably a cop. All the local police stations have some women on the force.

KILLER

Have they got some policewomen the size of battleships? Have they got some policewomen who can only run ten steps at a time before they have to rest for twenty seconds? I doubt it.

 

 

 

FRANK

(pause)

Oh, all right. If it’s a really big woman, it might be my wife.

KILLER

So, that’s the little woman. What, is she coming to rescue you? Or,...or is this some sort of a trap. What, is there a reward for my capture? Are you two bounty hunters? I’ve seen stranger things in my life.

(Beat)

No, no, that’s not true. I’ve never seen anything as strange as this.

FRANK

Hah! She’s coming to spy on me, that’s what she’s coming to do.

KILLER

Why?

FRANK

She thinks I might be having sex?

KILLER

What, with me? ... What’d you tell her: “Honey, I’ve located one of the ten most wanted criminals in the country and I wanna go over and see if he finds me attractive. Back in a couple of hours.”?

FRANK

No. I just told her I was going to see a prospective client. It doesn’t matter if I tell her you are a man or a woman, she’ll still think there is a woman involved somehow. It is insanity. It has been my life for the past seven or eight years.

KILLER

Well, why don’t you do like most people, and just divorce her?

 

FRANK

I can’t. She’s much younger than me and really loves me. Every time I get near the subject of divorce she breaks down crying and I feel like a heel.

KILLER

So, let me get this straight. You don’t have the guts to divorce her. No wait, I’ll restate that. You are too sensitive to her

feelings to divorce her, but you are willing to bring her out here and have me shoot her.

FRANK

Well, ... I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it like that.

KILLER

(very animated)

This is too fuckin weird, just too fuckin weird. First, an insurance salesman finds me when every law enforcement agency in the country can’t. Then, he almost convinces me to buy some insurance. And then, and then I find out that his real mission is to use me to bump off his fat, jealous wife....You know, I ought to kill you, Frank. I don’t think they’d hold it against me in a court of law.

 

Well, she’s almost here. A few minutes ago I would have bet against it. I would have bet she’d have a heart attack by now. So, Frank, what are we gonna do now?

FRANK

What do you mean, we?

EXT - KILLER’S COTTAGE - DAY

INT - KILLER’S COTTAGE KITCHEN - DAY

KILLER

Well, Frank, she just saw that we aren’t in the living room. You know, for a fat girl she can really jump.

Uh, she just checked out the dining room. I didn’t see her, but I heard her land. Did you?

EXT - OUTSIDE KILLER’S COTTAGE - DAY

ANGELA

(talking to herself)

It’s true. It’s true. Oh, Frank, how long have you been sick like this?

 

INT - KILLER’S COTTAGE KITCHEN - DAY

KILLER

This is pathetic, Frank. We can’t even bring ourselves to face her when she pops up to look in the window. I feel guilty. I think we should have at least waved.

 

FRANK

So, what are you going to do?

KILLER

I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. This is all breaking new ground for me, believe me.

ANGELA

So,... it’s true.... It’s true, Frank. ... When they told me, I told them they were totally wrong. Sure, I remembered about your going to Fred’s in your Ralph Lauren briefs, but I still told them they were crazy. “I’m his wife,” I told them, “I would know these things.” And now this. Are you going to deny it, or can you for once, for once in our marriage, tell me the truth?

ANGELA

And you. Another sicko. How many of you are there? What, is the state full of you guys?

KILLER

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Lloyd. Frank was just telling me what a wonderful woman you are.

ANGELA

Oh shut up, you twerp. I know why Frank is here.

KILLER

“Twerp” Gees, I haven’t been called that since high school. .... Mrs. Lloyd, your husband came out here to try and sell me an insurance policy.

 

ANGELA

He didn’t come out here to sell you insurance.

KILLER

He didn’t?

ANGELA

No.

KILLER

You know why he came out here?

ANGELA

Yes, you moron. He came out here because he wants to see your underpants. And apparently, you want to see his underpants. What, you both have the same obsession? The same sick fetish?

KILLER

I think I’m in the fuckin twilight zone. What’s she talkin about, Frank?

FRANK

I don’t know. As usual, I don’t

have a clue.

ANGELA

Even now, Frank, you can’t admit the truth. I guess you are incapable of admitting the truth.

KILLER

Lady, tell you what, I’ll tell you the truth. The truth is that I am, by profession, a contract killer, and every cop in the fuckin state is lookin for me. And your unlucky husband, in his quest to make one more insurance sale, has stumbled into the wrong place at the wrong time. And so have you.

You’re not the most observant person in the world, are you, Lady? Or did you think that being tied up in a chair with his clothes off is part

KILLER (CONTINUED) of his sales pitch? “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so, I’m Frank Lloyd and I’d like to talk to you about insurance. But before I do, would you mind if I take my clothes off and you tie me to a kitchen chair?” Is that what you thought?

Now, sit in that chair and shut up.

KILLER

Great. We’ll talk later. Right now I’m gonna watch Wheel Of Fortune.

FRANK

What?

KILLER

Wheel of Fortune is on. It’s my favorite show. Now, whether you like it or not,... that is, whether you like the show or not, keep your mouths shut for the next thirty minutes. If you don’t, I’ll have to gag you. And you won’t like it ‘cause I don’t have any clean socks. So, if I were you, I’d keep my mouth shut. Comprende?

KILLER

You know, a lot of people don’t like this show, but if it wasn’t for Wheel Of Fortune, half of America wouldn’t know how to spell.... Well, ... if not for Wheel Of Fortune and Sesame Street.

INT - WILLIAMS’ COTTAGE KITCHEN - DAY

DOROTHY

Did ya find it?

DOBS

I found it.

FRED

You think it will really work as a wet suit?

DOBS

Sure, why not? Anyway, it’s worth a try. I’m going to go upstairs and take a shower and then try to get into this thing.

Dobs leaves the room.

INT - WILLIAM’S COTTAGE LIVING ROOM - DAY

DABNEY

Fred, Dorothy, ya decent?

DABNEY

Got some guests I’d like you to meet. Actually, I’ll let your brother do the introductions.

FRED

Welcome, come on in.

DOROTHY

Yes, welcome everybody. Any friend of God’s is a friend of ours.

DANNY

We’ll ignore that one. Fred, Dorothy, I’d like you to meet

DANNY (CONTINUED) Father’s Ryan and Murphy, and Sisters DiAngelo and Rodriquez.

DOROTHY

Well, hello again everybody. How about if we go out on the back porch, there’s a good view of the lake, and I’ve got some refreshments on the table.

 

INT - WILLIAM’S COTTAGE PORCH - DAY

DABNEY

What I want to talk about with you kind people, what I want to discuss with you, are some thoughts I’ve had about some of the problems you face in your work, and how what I do for a living might be of assistance. And you can relax, this has nothing to do with my selling you any of our financial products. I’m not that crass a person

INT - KILLER’S COTTAGE KITCHEN - DAY

KILLER

You know, you two really ought to try and get along better, to work things out. I can tell that you two basically love each other.

FRANK

Let’s cut the crap. Why drag this out? Just shoot me and get it over with.

 

 

ANGELA

Love. Hah! He doesn’t know what love is. And you wouldn’t believe the things he says to me. No one who loved another person could say some of the things he says.

KILLER

Really? Like what?

ANGELA

Well, for one, he said that my father is a shitty bowler. He said that the bowling team from

the meatpacking plant would only let my father bowl if someone didn’t show. Frank said that my father stinks as a bowler.

KILLER

Really, I can’t imagine Frank saying something like that. Did you really say that, Frank?

FRANK

Her father is the worst bowler in the state.

ANGELA

See?

KILLER

You know, in some countries impugning your in-laws’ bowling ability is grounds for divorce.

ANGELA

You hear that Frank? “Grounds for divorce.”

FRANK

(shaking his head in resignation)

Just shoot me.

KILLER

By the way, I have a bowling average of 246.

 

 

ANGELA

He just says those things to hurt me. It doesn’t matter if they are

true or not. He just wants to hurt me and I don’t know why.

KILLER

Ahem...246,...that’s my average.

FRANK

Angela, why is it that you never hesitate to disagree with me, to contradict me, and that is all right. But, if I disagree with you, if I express and honest and sincere opinion that you don’t

agree with, that means that I don’t love you. Do you know how tiresome that is?

KILLER

I’ll bet that in your whole life, the both of you, you haven’t met ten guys with a bowling average better than 246. Hell, you may never have met anyone, anyone besides me, with a bowling average as high as 246.

ANGELA

When I disagree with you, it is simply because you are wrong. I still love you, you know that. It is just that you’re wrong.

FRANK

And apparently I’m always wrong.

KILLER

All right, forget about the bowling average. Look, gimme an example of what you two are talking about.

FRANK

All right, all right. Tell me, what do you think about Jerry Lewis?

 

 

KILLER

I think he’s great. I like all the films he’s been in. Even the

serious ones, like “King of Comedy.”

ANGELA

See, Frank?

FRANK

No, no. That’s not what I mean. I like his films, too. But, would you say that he is THE comic genius of the century?

KILLER

Yeah,... yeah, I would. This is one time that I agree with the French.

FRANK

This really is the Twilight Zone.

ANGELA

You see, Frank? You see? You’re wrong.

FRANK

Please, SOMEBODY shoot me.

KILLER

What, you don’t think Jerry is the comic genius of the century, Frank?

FRANK

Look, if you have a shred of decency in you, a shred, you’ll shoot me and put me out of this misery once and for all.

KILLER

Frank, are you counting on decency from a man who has killed so many people that he lost count? Does this make sense?

FRANK

I don’t care. I believe that every person, every man, no matter how vile, no matter how cruel or

FRANK (CONTINUED) despicable, has, down deep, some degree of decency, some moral

fiber. I’m begging you to find that shred, that morsel, of decency, and shoot me. Look, I probably deserve it anyway.

KILLER

Nope, can’t do it.

FRANK

(getting extremely angry)

There is that can’t word again. You can, you just won’t to. Well, so help me, if I get loose, you sonofabitch, I’m gonna kill you, you bastard. I mean it, I’ll kill you.

KILLER

Interesting. Am I now supposed to get so mad, because you are threatening to kill me because I won’t kill you, that I kill you? Is this a trick?

ANGELA

He’s clever like that. You can’t trust him.

KILLER

Has he always been like this?

ANGELA

No. It really just started with the underpants fetish four or five months ago.

KILLER

Underpants fetish? Frank has an underpants fetish?

ANGELA

Yeah, you both have it.

KILLER

I don’t have an underpants fetish.

 

 

ANGELA

I see. I understand. And you’re a liar just like Frank. You can’t admit the truth, either.

KILLER

Look, I don’t have an underpants fetish, Lady. I know what my fetishes are, and underpants isn’t on the list.

ANGELA

Then why are you wearing those underpants?

KILLER

What do you mean?

ANGELA

You’re a grown man and you are wearing underpants with pictures of Superman on them?

FRANK

See? Now she’s a fashion critic.

KILLER

Not that it’s your business, but because of my size, no comments please, I’m able to buy my underwear in the boys department at K-Mart, where they’re cheaper. That’s why, Miss Fuckin-Know-it-all, I have Superman underpants,

ANGELA

Right. Right. And what else do you look for in the boys department?

KILLER

And what is that supposed to mean? What are you trying to say?

ANGELA

You know what I’m saying. You’re not fooling me.

KILLER

I think I’ve had enough of you people for awhile. I think it is

KILLER (CONTINUED) time to put you both in the Polish penthouse.

ANGELA

What’s your friend talking about, Frank?

KILLER

We’re going in the basement.

ANGELA

And suppose I don’t want to go in the basement?

KILLER

Then I’m gonna shoot ya, Lady.

FRANK

Let’s just go down in the basement, Angela.

ANGELA

He doesn’t fool me. He’s not going to shoot anybody. He’s just an insecure little man standing there in his Superman underpants holding a big gun. He doesn’t have the guts to shoot anybody.

FRANK

For Christ’s sake, Angela, they told you on the news that the guy is wanted for a bunch of murders.

They told us he was extremely dangerous.

ANGELA

The news. What, do you believe everything you hear on the news? You’re so naive, Frank.

FRANK

(Talking to Killer)

You see? Everyone else is wrong. Only Angela is right.

 

KILLER

Let me get this straight, Lady. The news tells you that I’m wanted by the FBI and every other law outfit for multiple murders. You see I’m hiding out here and that I have a small arsenal. But you decide that because I’m a little short and wearing Superman briefs,

that I don’t have the guts to kill anybody?

ANGELA

You may have fooled the others, but not me.

FRANK

(Talking to Killer)

You see? You see? You get an idea what my life has been like?

KILLER

Yeah. Wow. Sorry, Buddy, I really am…. Whelp, all right, I’ve had enough for now, I really have. I’m going to cut the ankle tape on both of you, and then you are going in the basement. If you don’t want to go, fine. You’ll be dead. And don’t get any crazy ideas, this M-16 can turn both of you into coleslaw in two seconds.

KILLER

OK, Slim, first you, then Frank.

ANGELA

All right, Superman, get up.

ANGELA

Yeah, “Buddy.” I know. You two are fast friends, aren’t you, Frank? I ought to shoot the both of you, you perverts.

EXT - KILLER’S COTTAGE BACK YARD - DAY

INT - WILLIAMS’ COTTAGE PORCH - DAY

Dabney

So this is the thing I have been wondering about. Is there the possibility for the great leaps forward we have made in technology, that we’ve been talking about today, to be of assistance to you people in your endeavors to help the strife ridden, the depressed?

PRIEST NO. 2

You mean, for us to learn how to use notebook computers?

DABNEY

Well, no.

SISTER NO. 1

Do you mean for us to teach our parishioners how to use notebook computers?

DABNEY

Well, no.

SISTER NO. 1

You mean for us to have mobile phones so we can respond more quickly to crisis situations?

DABNEY

Well, no, not exactly, but that’s a good idea.

PRIEST NO. 2

I think he’s talking about the Internet.

SISTER NO. 2

I’m embarrassed to say that I still don’t know how the Internet works. I’m interested, and all, it’s just that I’ve heard that most of the stuff on the Internet is,… you know, sexually oriented.

SISTER NO. 1

Really?

PRIEST NO. 2

Is that what you are talking about Mr. Armstrong? About the Internet?

DABNEY

(laughing to hide frustration)

No, no, you people are jumping ahead of me. I’m not talking about something as advanced as the Internet.

DOROTHY

You know, it really is offensive the way sex, in our society, has left the bedroom of married loving couples, where it belongs, and has become a source of amusement and entertainment for so many people, you know, right out in the open.

SISTER NO.2

Yes, I know.

INT - WILLIAMS’ COTTAGE BEDROOM - DAY

Dobs is in bedroom putting on the rubber suit.

INT - WILLIAMS’ COTTAGE LIVING ROOM - DAY

SISTER NO.1

What was that?

FRED

Probably some hunters. They aren’t supposed to be this close to the lake.

DANNY

Yeah, but that sounded like an automatic rifle. You’re not supposed to hunt with automatic rifles.

Fred

You’re right. That is really a no-no. We ought to tell Dobs and have him send somebody out here.

SISTER NO. 2

Dobs?

FRED

Yes, Dobs is our brother who is a police officer with the Willis Falls police department.

SISTER NO. 1

Well, do you think you should call him? Those shots sounded awfully close.

FRED

(talking in a sheepish fashion)

Well, we don’t have to call him,.. that was him you just saw in the living room.

SISTER NO. 1

Oh.

DOBS

Oh! I didn’t realize we have company. Hello.

DANNY

Everyone, this is my other brother, Dobs.

DOBS

Well, I don’t mean to be antisocial, but I’m gonna do a little diving in the lake.

DABNEY

Well, to continue with what we were talking about. What I was wondering is if it might make sense to try a little test program, a pilot program we might call it, to see if financial counsellors could have a real

impact, a positive impact, on helping some of these strife-ridden families get control of their lives and become the healthy, nurturing family units that god intended?

PRIEST NO. 1

Sounds like a good idea.

DABNEY

But you see, I, the financial counsellor, I’m an outsider; I don’t know which are the families that really need help. You people, on the other hand, are the insiders, you are aware of which poor souls in your flock need help.

PRIEST NO. 2

And what you are suggesting is that we help you, the financial counsellor, identify some of these families in conflict?

DABNEY

Exactly. But only on a very small, trial basis. Maybe you can each identify one or two hundred families in your parish.

SISTER NO. 2

And would you, Mr. Armstrong, would you be the one who would actually make contact with these designated families.

DABNEY

Well, no. At first, I thought I would, but I have come to the conclusion that that would not be a good idea. The people in this part of the country are down-to-

DABNEY (CONTINUED) earth, hard-working souls, the backbone of America in many ways. They aren’t fancy or pretentious. But, when they see a really good- looking man like myself, with a new Mercedes, an expensive Italian suit, and a Rolex watch, they feel a little uncomfortable, a little intimidated. You know what I mean. It’s only natural. And it makes some of them just painfully aware of how little they’ve accomplished in their lives.

No, it is my intention to use one of our local counsellors, a man who couldn’t intimidate anyone. He is a man who has been working with us for only a short time, but he is already one of the most successful counsellors we have in.

PRIEST NO. 2

Who is this man?

DABNEY

His name is Frank Lloyd.

DANNY

You mean the underpants guy?

SISTER NO. 1

(looking at Sister No. 2)

The underpants guy?

DABNEY

Yes, Sister, a very unfortunate label that was attached to the man by some thoughtless, callus, insensitive clods, in an attempt to be funny. They almost ruined the reputation of a hardworking,

DABNEY (CONTINUED) well-educated, devoted family man and an upstanding member of the Willis Falls community for over fifteen years.

PRIEST NO.1

Well, what does this Mr. Lloyd look like?

DABNEY

He is a tall, very good-looking black man, about forty years old.

EXT - BEHIND WOOD PILE - DAY

KILLER

Is she still following us?

FRANK

I don’t see her.

KILLER

Well, if she has any brains, she’ll go back to the house because we have to go back there eventually.

 

FRANK

What if she calls the cops?

KILLER

Can’t, the phone isn’t turned on.

KILLER

Did you see that guy in the scuba gear? That was the strangest wet suit I’ve ever seen.

FRANK

I’m pretty sure that was Officer Dobs Williams of the Willis Falls police department. Damn, the last thing we need at this point is for one of Willis-Falls finest to catch you.

KILLER

The only thing that guy could catch is his dick in his zipper.

FRANK

You’re probably right.

KILLER

Listen, Frank, we have to get back to the house before she leaves. She’ll probably calm down in a few minutes. I doubt she’s a determined killer. I think it was just her explosive temper.

FRANK

I hope so, otherwise we’re dead. Listen, let’s circle around out to the road, and we’ll walk back to the house. That way, if she gets in the car and leaves, we can intercept her on the road.

KILLER

Perfect. If she doesn’t shoot us she can run us down with the car.

FRANK

Well, you got a better idea?

EXT - WALKING UP ROAD - DAY

KILLER

Frank, I’ve been thinking about our situation, and you’re not

going to like what I’ve concluded.

FRANK

Oh?

KILLER

Listen, maybe the only way out of this is if we admit that you have an underpants problem, a little fetish.

FRANK

But I don’t. It’s a pile of baloney. I don’t have any fetishes.

KILLER

I know, I know, but hear me out on this. Let’s go back and try and reason with her. We say that you have developed an underpants fetish because her senseless jealousy over other women, her constant suspicions about you and other women, have driven you a little crazy. It has created tremendous stress in your marriage. I’ll point out that men who have an underpants fetish for other men’s underpants are rarely, if ever, having affairs with other women. I point out that the two things just aren’t compatible.

You then agree with me. You say that your wife’s senseless jealousy has driven you to develop this insane desire, about which you are very ashamed, deeply ashamed.

Then, I say, that I know you two love each other, and that if you get some counselling together, you can probably conquer both her

KILLER (CONTINUED) jealousy problem and your underpants thing.

FRANK

Gees, I don’t know.

KILLER

Well, you have any better ideas?

FRANK

You could shoot her, like you should have done in the first place.

KILLER

I’m not going to do that. Besides, if there is any shooting, it’s probably you and me who get shot.

(long pause)

Listen, Frank, I’m going to ask you the most important question of the day? Do you think you love your wife? Do you still, deep down, love her?

FRANK

It’s not so easy to answer that.

KILLER

I know.

FRANK

(long pause)

But the answer is, I guess, yes, if she would lose a little weight, like ten or eighty pounds, and get rid of this insecure jealousy thing.

KILLER

Then it’s settled. All you have to do is tell her you love her, but that her craziness has made you crazy too. I’ll suggest you both get professional help.

 

 

 

INT - KILLER’S COTTAGE KITCHEN - DAY

ANGELA

I’ve hidden the other guns.

FRANK

Angela, Honey, forget about the other guns. We have to talk.

ANGELA

About what? Our marriage is over. My life is over.

FRANK

Don’t talk like that, Pumpkin. Don’t talk like that. Listen, me and Mortimer have been talking.

ANGELA

Mortimer?

FRANK

Yeah, Mortimer. He’s pointed out some things that I didn’t realize before. Maybe you are right, Sweety, right about a lot of things. Maybe it is time we had an honest discussion.

ANGELA

(long pause)

Well, I’m listening.

FRANK

I probably haven’t wanted to admit about this underpants thing, even to myself. I can’t even say for sure when it started. But I’ve decided several things about it. First, it can probably be cured. Second, it came on because your constant, baseless jealousy has been driving me further and further into koo-koo land. And

FRANK (CONTINUED) third, it ought to be proof to you that there are no other women in my life.

KILLER

That’s right, Mrs. Lloyd. Think about it. Would a man who is interested in having sex with other women be spending his time pretending to sell insurance in order to see other men’s underpants? Does that make sense?

ANGELA

Well,... maybe not.

KILLER

And let me ask you this, Mrs. Lloyd. In all the years you two have been married, have you ever caught Frank with another woman?

ANGELA

Well, ...no.

KILLER

And has anyone ever told you that Frank was having an affair with another woman?

ANGELA

Well,... no.

KILLER

And has he ever slipped and called you by another woman’s’ name.

ANGELA

Well,... no.

KILLER

You must admit, then, that you don’t really have grounds for not trusting Frank with other women. ...So, it seems to me that two people who basically love each other have almost come to the point of killing each other over

KILLER (CONTINUED) problems that are easy to solve with a little professional help.

(long beat)

Angela. When we were hiding from you in a woodpile further down by the lake, I asked Frank if he thought he still loved you. I said it was the most important question in his life at that moment. And you know what his answer was?

ANGELA

No, what?

KILLER

He said he couldn’t stand you and he hoped you choke. No, no, only kidding. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. No, when I asked him that question, he said he really loved you and wanted to be with you, if only you can control this crazy jealousy thing…So the question is - do you love Frank. If you do, then you can both get some professional help, and Frank can get his disgusting, depraved underpants thing under control, and you can get this jealousy thing under control, and it will be like starting your whole marriage all over again. Wouldn’t you like that? Wouldn’t you like to feel the way you did when you first got married?

ANGELA

Yeah. I’d like things to be like they were in the beginning.

KILLER

Then all you two have to do is agree to confront your problems and you are more than half way there. And listen, I am sensitive to this because you two have something I don’t have. It

KILLER (CONTINUED) is the one thing in life that I truly regret not having. You have a partner, a loved one who will go through life with you, with whom you’ll have both good times and bad. That may sound corny, but when you don’t have it, you’ll miss it, believe me.

FRANK

(long beat)

So what do you think, Honey? Shall we give it a try?

ANGELA

OK, Frank, let’s try. After all, things can’t get any worse.

FRANK

You’re right, they can only get better.

KILLER

And I’ll tell you what.

ANGELA

What?

 

KILLER

Since this’ll be almost like a new marriage, I’m gonna give you two a fuckin wedding present.

ANGELA

Really? What?

FRANK

Oh, you don’t have to do that, Mort.

KILLER

I’m going to give you two the money to take one of those package tours to see Paris.

 

EXT - ON STREET - DAY

KILLER

Here you go, Frank. It’s five thousand dollars. That should be enough for you and Angela to see Paris for a week or so and to have a good time.

FRANK

Oh, Mort, you really don’t have to do this.

ANGELA

Frank, the man wants to do this. Don’t be such a fuddy-duddy.

FRANK

You heard the wife. Well, I want to wish you luck. Don’t you think you ought to get out of here soon, Mort?

KILLER

Nah. No rush. If the cops were going to come, they would have been here by now. I’ll probably stay here for another couple of weeks, and then move on. Except for you two, this place has been incredibly boring, painfully boring.

FRANK

Well, best of luck, Mort. You have our phone number if you need something.

FRANK

Mort, I’m going to let her coast a little and then try a jump start.

 

KILLER

Good luck.

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